Viet Ham

There such an abundance of crappy Pho restaurants. Is it me or do most people not know the elements of good pho? Here’s my list of top ten important elements to good pho.

10. Veggies must be fresh and fragrant, not limp and brown.

9. 3-4 slices of lime per person, and a side dish of sliced onions soaked in vinegar.

8. Confirm that the head chef is a man. Older Vietnamese men make the best pho broth, I do not lie.

7. The restaurant must only accept cash; credit card processing is a fatal sign that the restaurant has been “americanized”. It’s also important that the pho restaurant is located in a ghetto, slummy part of town, ensuring a “Vietnamization” of the pho.

6. Beef broth must be made with actual beef bones and cooked down for a few hours (read: no canned beef stock)

5. Hold the MSG, the bones should make it sweet enough

4. If ordering steak meat, steak meat must be served raw, on the side, and wait 1 minute before placing it into broth. All meats other than steak meat must be fresh, never overcooked, and sliced thinly

3. Chinese long donuts, sliced into bite sizes, and dipped into pho broth, YUM!

2. Broth must not be too salty or too sweet so that the mint and peppers taste survives; must be mostly clear, and no Exxon oil slick floating atop.

1. And for the love of GOD….pho noodles should be somewhat chewy, 75% opaque, and NOT formed to the shape of the bottom of the bowl.

Out of the total days on any given month, us guys are well aware of those pesky 7-10 blackout days. The blackout days are precursored by another week of egregious bloating, tyrannical irrationality, mental instability, and cruel flatulence that would shame the Spanish Inquisition. But I have discovered a diamond in the rough my friends…a true diamond. Some of the best oral sex ever experienced by man occurs during these blackout days. The best oral sex is oral sex in a vacuum; that is, the act itself without even a slender thought to consequential intercourse. Too often, oral sex becomes that miniscule, yet pricey appetizer to the main course. Not so during blackout days. With the constant bleeding, the unfortunate female is reduced to being an open wound. Oral sex becomes the main course. Infact, it’s a Vegas BUFFET, baby.

What 2 factors motivate women to produce some of the best head?

1. Guilt – After a week of PMS, a woman may feel remorseful for certain things said and done, and will want to make it up to the man.
2. Pride – She’ll want to prove that she can still turn a man on while her she’s disposing of her unused eggs.

So the next time you guys are frantic about the red inkpad pubic area, don’t despair, good things are on the horizon.