Viet Ham

There’s a strange nexus between my wife and my mom. They were born on the same day, even under the same Chinese zodiac sign. And though different in some ways, there are uncanny similarities.

To wit, they both:

- harbor a thinly veiled desire lead a cult
- delight in being the only woman among men
- pout and whine with no discrimination to the importance of the matter
- cannot contain their rescue fetish as it pertains to pets, animals, relatives, neighbors, the lonely, the garrulous, and the less fortunate
- coo at animals and inanimate objects
- share a wretched delight in heckling me

If I were smarter, I would have kept the two apart to prevent the fabric of the universe from being torn asunder. But instead, they met one another and swapped stories of how infantile I allegedly am.

Now it is too late. Even at 9,000 miles apart, they manage to gang up on me. This came about recently when I related to my wife the story of how my mom used to tease me in a very peculiar manner.

I was seven years old and such a sucker for her whining. Here’s how it would go:

Her: Oh my son….your mommy is soooo hungry, and I am longing for some ribs.

Me: No! Stay away!

Her: Look at me! I am so skinny and hungry, you should just let me have one of your ribs. Won’t you let mommy have just one rib? Mommy is sooo hungry!

Me: Just one? Do you promise?

Her: Of course just one! But I have to pick the very best one! Come here and let me find the best one.

At this point, she’d take me into her arms, flip me sideways and starting counting my ribs with her fingers. She knew I was ticklish beyond all reason and delighted in making me squeal as she identified and rated each rib bone. Finally, when she sensed I could take no more, she’d announce that she’d found the one to eat and bit me in my ribcage.

Of course I screeched in terror and ran off with tears streaming from being tickled.

Upon hearing this ridiculous childhood account, my wife immediately took on the mommy part and begged for a rib, pleading, “Tommy…I am soooo hungry….won’t you give me just one rib???”

In a now common act of ego-mongering, I googled myself and came across the “Vietnamese Orlando Bloom.”

He perfectly captures the Orlando Bloom highschool senior photo pose. This delicate Vietnamese beauty should be put to a Shakespearean sonnet…hmm…let me see, how about sonnet 36:

Let me confess that we two must be twain,
Although our undivided loves are one:
So shall those blots that do with me remain,
Without thy help, by me be borne alone.
In our two loves there is but one respect,
Though in our lives a separable spite,
Which, though it alter not love’s sole effect,
Yet doth it steal sweet hours from love’s delight.
I may not evermore acknowledge thee,
Lest my bewailed guilt should do thee shame,
Nor thou with public kindness honour me,
Unless thou take that honour from thy name:
But do not so; I love thee in such sort
As thou being mine, mine is thy good report.

“When I look upon the mirror, there is a startled shudder of self-importance.”

“People ages from now will reflect upon this speck in time as the second renaissance, passively emanating from my mantle of greatness.”